Saturday, July 20, 2019

TOO MUCH: Weary, Faith, Hope, Change and #littleman

NOTE~ Yes, I know this is a lot of photographs.  It is my way of telling this story.
Yes, I know this is a depressing story, but it is mine of late and it is also my blog.
You may go away now if this is not of interest to you.
(I say with understanding and kindness, as I get it)
This is me having to get this off my chest in one way I know how.
I have always said, and will repeat:
I treasure each and every one of my blogland peeps.
You guys are true, salt-of-the-earth people.
You engage, challenge, and lift me in ways you may never fully know.
You accept and love me in ways I deeply appreciate.
So, thank you for all of that.
Carry on.

                                        Mavis Staples ft. Ben Harper - Change                

Hazel's comment on a recent post of mine...
Michelle's use of the word 'weary'...
Saskia's return... 
Liz and Jude...going...
Mo's providing Moon beauty...

~all prompts for me to record some of my own recent feelings, as best I can~
They are not pretty

Daily drive, landfill on the left
Pretty good shape!

3 Turtles keep me company

There is a little two year old at work who has been discovering
too much.
Sometimes it is water or soap.  Sometimes it is a particular kind of toy or sand.
Sometimes it is the noises around him.
"Too Much!" he says.

I agree.
There is too much politics, unrest, unkindness, illness, arguing, 
bitterness, threats of violence and violence itself.

There is too much imbalance of powers, poverty, homelessness,
Too Much cages and babies taken from their families.

Too many lost or broken or both.
Too much negative.
Too much heavy.
Too much change, of not the good kind.

I tried to sleep and this phrase keep popping into my head:
frying pan, frying pan
little man in a frying pan
burn his feet, ain't that neat?
falls to seat, ain't that fun?
little man can't even run

I even drew #littleman

My heart breaks for the #littleman, trying to survive, trying to get by.

There are too many stories...
in the news, from those I know...deep in hearts (mine included).
(I drew that too)

Barely able to see the story patches, I've been wearing lately.
The weight is astounding.

I keep looking for the light.
I'm usually pretty good at finding slivers of light.

Teeny glimmers are all that have appeared.
A couple of work changes, reversed - improved upon...
a cause for guarded relief and begrudged gratefulness.

This song above, heard on my commute, 
a slice of rebellious, stomping foot in place calling out ENOUGH.
Demanding CHANGE! (The good kind of course!)

Nice trees, work car?

Sometimes I consider that I could drive a different, 
less in your face route to work.
But, I would not forget all  #somefolks are still out there, 
with me just on a less upsetting road.
If this was the only 'news', maybe I would consider that.
But, to me it is merely a sign of these times.
There is so, so much more.

These non-mobile mobile homes are filled with men, women, pet dogs
bicycles, ATVs, dirt, dust and grime.
Broken bits of furniture, car parts and trash.
They have folks that sweep the sidewalk or don't, 
work on their vehicles and go off for the day (to work?)
There are tarps.  Lots of tarps that cover the roofs, broken windows 
(there seems to be lots of those too) and spaces between their home 
and a nearby wall or fence (AKA shade tarps).
This is but one short stretch of road where the mobile live.

In my car, my own home away from home, on my lunch break 
I manage to sort bags of buttons.
Dividing my collection by about half.  
Because who needs so many buttons anyway? 

I sort and search.
I seek to find.

I haven't been weaving or stitching the past few weeks.
Or letter writing, although I've got a mental list going for that!

I make life decisions phone calls from my car.
The kind of phone calls no one really likes to make.
Then I make the return trip.

At night, in bed I read little novels. 
Escape books, for enjoyment and to get tired enough and to ward off dreams.

I've read some fair, good or great books. 

I'll read BURN next.  I am part way through A MAN CALLED OVE.
I have finished the others and they are back at the library, 
so someone else may enjoy them.
CALLING MAJOR TOM was a fun one to read with all the celebratory remembering of the Moon Landing going on right now.  He actually is on his way to Mars, but there is lots of Space Oddity tie-ins and such!  BRITT-MARIE WAS HERE and A MAN CALLED OVE are both by the author whose book I read first: MY GRANDMOTHER TOLD ME TO TELL YOU SHE'S SORRY.  He has a very unique way of phrasing and word choice.  One of those authors I find myself thinking in their style. 

I try to stay off the news these days.
I return to continue and/or consider FB and it's vile owners/operators. 
I try to let the unkind comments and some of the stories go.
I would love to walk again, but the air quality and my asthma say "NO WAY!"
I look for new tools in this old toolbox.
(toolbox below!)
TV game shows in the toolbox!


And, as you guys know, 
I guess I wouldn't be me if I didn't keep trying to circle back around 
to some kind of light and love.
It'll get easier.
It always does.
It's just taking a while this time.

Work parking lot heart leaf!

May you get through your hard times,
enjoy your better times and
try to always remember love.
Photographs by NAE ©2019 


Mo Crow said...

(((Nancy))) we are living in such dark uneasy times, we just all have to look after each other and shine on like crazy diamonds!

Nancy said...

(((MO!))) I am so grateful for you traveling this road with me! Yes, shine on with more light than they could ever take! xoxo

Cynthia said...

My life has taken so many unexpected turns that I rarely comment any more although I am happily,eagerly here..watching and listening....being on this mountain side in Vermont is far far away..and yet not distant from the immediate and long term problems our country is now mired in...

And now this weekend we are heat stunned in a way Vermont is not used to...not exactly prepared for....we laughed ..sort of...amazed to find ourselves in the category of "older neighbors with no air conditioning in isolated places"...and yet..listening to NPR we hear about the way all across the state cooling stations are being set up ...and moments later the phone rings. automated call from the library...they will be open and available with air conditioning and water. And if we do not respond by punching in the number one someone will be sent around to check on us.....

It is almost stunning ...the call ..the quickness this all went into place...the simple kindness of the act..a word that has become elevated to almost red flag warning to me since I lost an old friend this year when I used it in a conversation and discovered an angry angry Trump supporter sitting across from me..I had no idea...

Anyway sorry if I am just seeming to wander ..please just know how much your words.. your presence is valued here in this place so far away and yet so near to my heart..but even more to my mind. For the simple validation of how important it is to connect and to care.
Gentle day Nancy, take care, Cynthia

Saskia said...

dear Nancy I get where you are....and all I can add is from my own experience and all I am going through tbese days: lean in; I realised that I just couldn't stand 'strong' any longer, so instead of that I now try and move with rather than against my personal demons.....sometimes there just in't any light and that is okay, looking at that, experiencing the darkness without doesn't last, there will be light too.....and you are not alone!
(((hugs))) xxx

Ms. said...

A sliver of my old good enough heart goes out to 'Little Man' and to you dear Nancy. The Trailer homes are a constant reminder of how rough the times are, world and local news, the unkindness of beings under stress, the air quality and so much unsettled are heavy indeed.

Did you sort the buttons by color or size? My tendency is to choose color first.

I've found Emercen-C (sold over the counter in boxes of packets that dissolve in hot or cold water)-three times a day is very useful in clearing toxins produced by stress, and by default also clears mucous. I regularly do one 8oz glass a day at night, and by the way, how are your eyes? Must be okay since you're reading.

With the current heat wave here all beings local are mighty stressed. Fortunately our City is full of the well healed and all of them have left town bless their hearts. The decrease in population has resulted in less A/C use so most of us left behind are experiencing the relief of less stress on our electrical grid. Yay.

I too have some chronic distresses of my elder body and am grateful for the Zendo nearby enough to get to. Twice a week I get to be in a place dedicated to stepping off the wheel a while; Sitting meditation, walking meditation and silence. Sometimes a Dharma talk. Then there are snacks and time to chat. I don't know what I'd do without it. It's my best Rx. So I'm sending you my love and appreciation for the being you are and a half hour Video that means a lot to me. Pema Chodron is a favorite for decades. She's so real to me, human, and deeply kind, I may have to do it via FB message. It won't copy for me right now.

Ms. said...

PS I know your golden leaf self already knows how to turn the light on.

Ms. said...

Got it to copy/paste-

grace Forrest~Maestas said...

yes. Everyday i carry the thinking around in my odd
sentence, but thinking in my heart....and i can't get anywhere
with it, can't get any sense of what to do. What do people do
when their country is falling apart, is deteriorating, rotting.
What do the people do? and i think that it's been going on all over
in the world for a long time...but it wasn't here, not like it is now. there was
distance from it but it's Here. Simultaneously, there is Great
Beauty, still and as there always has been...the Earth, the
inhabitants of the Earth remain Beauty Full...and i know you
know that...your walks to visit rocks...
how to hold the reality of this, and not become broken by it,
dulled into some kind of submission. I struggle with this.
Big Love, Nancy.

Marti said...

Anger, shock, disgust, dismay, all places that have become familiar to me these past 3 years and how easy it would be to become anesthetized to this ugly version of America because the darkness is unrelenting but that is not who we are, those of us who come here. SO dear Nancy, it deeply helps that you bring your heart and soul here, that you write and share and speak and show how it is for you because it is in our connections to each other, that we hold to some semblance of hope and strength. We have to tell, we have to share, we have to, because it is the way to bring light to each other and to ourselves. There are so many words that could be written about this seemingly unending time of despair BUT I hold onto a revered 4 letter one and that word is VOTE:

Deb G said...

Sending love Nancy...I see so much of the same on my commute. There is too much that is exhausting around us. But you are right, there is love too and light.

Nancy said...


Cynthia~ WOW! Yes, I've been listening to the news about your weather, so many Ragmates and some family back east. I never pictured ME sending well weather wishes to those of you on the other side of the country. What an amazing quick and thoughtful system you have at hand! So grateful. Thank you for your kind words here and "gentle days" back to ya!

(((Sasx))) ~ No I am not alone. I knew you would get this and I do agree about leaning in. I've been trying that and pure avoidance! ha And trying not to beat myself up for feeling so defeated. You are a blessing in my life Saskia!

Michelle~ Yes, I've used Emergen-C in the past and did not feel much improvement. Perhaps I will try again. I think of you so, so often, knowing your days have become a bit less easy of late...the heat, the old bod and so on. You are always in my heart.
As far as buttons, first I halved the bag without even looking...then I went back and chose (as best I could) for useful purposes. I use them when making Christmas Stockings - so large ones to hold the hooks, tiny ones for Snowman buttons...stuff like that. I had a couple of favorites left, but that was about it. Thank you for the link, I'll check it out. I have a pocket Pema Chodron book I carry with me on my work days. xo

Grace~ Yes, know this and work hard at not becoming broken. The world seems to be the final weight on top of the personal or work. It has felt like so much. But, tides will turn in one way or another and we will come back to center. xo my friend.

Marti~ Yes. the "unrelenting" nature of now has been felt by so many. #littleman. I totally agree with you that the sharing and connection are ways to move through these times. The big hearts of all here, to not only read this long and depressing post, but to comment with such LOVE, proves that. Thank you. xo

Ah Deb~ I am sorry that this is your view these days too. But, you understand and I know you carry that LOVE with you as you go. I also know that you would deeply understand the workplace trauma, even without me saying.

Liz A said...

"they are not pretty" ... but they're true

"things gotta change" ... yes they do

Thank you for this heart-felt post ... and so, my own story, a bit of hope ...

There is a church in Wimberley, a few miles from us, where they do concerts every month or so called Susanna's Kitchen. The artists get half the gate (usually $20-25 a person) and the church uses the rest to fund outreach for those in need. They have been doing this for 8 years now ... a lot of folks have been helped by the power of music to draw us together.

This past Thursday, Ruthie Foster performed ... telling the story of how Mavis Staples gave her permission to perform "The Ghetto" which ends with these words:

"But if there's such thing as hereafter,
And I'm satisfied, satisfied ooh, that there will be, ooh,
When they build, when they build, when they build New Jerusalem,
There won't be no more ghetto, ghetto for me, no there won't"

And the mostly white audience rose to its feet, clapping and cheering ... understanding, I believe, that a ghetto is not just a place, but a way of being. And that we all hoped, sooner rather than later, there won't be no more ghettos ... whether in inner cities or the streets of California or at the borders of Texas ...

Nancy said...

Liz~ What an important story to share. Yes, the power of music holds the humanity in every note. I will go listen to this song.
May we move past the ghettos of the past, where Jewish people went to die, through the ghettos of today where babies are in cages and men of color are shot dead on the street and onto the lands of tomorrow where all can live with LOVE, dignity and hope. May it be so. xo

Liz A said...


Nancy said...


Hazel said...

Dear Nancy, your deep & wide heart beats through all of this. Seattle, too, is becoming sadly unrecognizable and unwelcoming to many. There is an exit off of the freeway that we must take slowly, because of the community that lives in tents inside of the curve of it. And I'm so glad you've been given some glimmers at work. Days are being taken one at a time here. Love to you.

Nancy said...

Hazel~ That's so sad...Seattle, someplace I've always wanted to see...a place of great beauty :( The glimmers are faint, but there. That one day at a time, living in the moment stuff is real. xo