Saturday, May 18, 2013

In a Fog

The days have been a blur...sleep, eat, work, eat, shower...
and trying to keep contact in the online community.

I'm afraid I've not done a very good job of that.
So, for that I apologize.
And for the fact that all my recent posts feel like they must be boring readers like crazy.
Seems Like I am in that cycle of overwhelm right now.
Maybe these recent post are more for me keeping track of days.

There have been passings and illness and general strife between others in my world.
It's taxing, to put it mildly.

I have nothing enlightening or profound to say about any of this.
It just is and I'll just roll with it until it is no longer this, but instead something else.

Today I visited with an elderly aunt.
She is quite ill.
Really she has begun her journey of ending.
We both held inside our words that would capture the very big and very deep feelings that we may not see each other again.
But, we held hands and when it was time for me to leave, we hugged good.
And we knew why.
We talked about family and current daily happenings and those who have already passed on.
We talked about one left behind and her deep sense of loss.
I shared photos of loved ones she hadn't seen in many years and places she'd never visited.
Places she would never see and loved ones she may not see again.
I sat and waited quietly while she left her lunch in the bathroom.
She did not want to speak of her own illness and lack of treatment options.
No specifics were mentioned.
They didn't need to be.
I'm left holding so many of those feelings in a heavy heart.
I've not yet had this experience of knowing I may not see a loved one again, as I have to return to the obligations of my day to day life.
So, to think of her, alone in her apartment, not feeling well, 
as I commute and work and eat and compute and sleep and stitch and write and 
talk or visit with other friends & family members...
well, it's weird.

Here is an old photo, from March 1981.
(I feel awkward sharing today's picture)
The baby is my, now grown, son.
I'm the child-looking mom with my in-laws, grandmother and this special aunt.

She said, "I remember that skirt.  I loved it and wore it for years".
So, isn't that really the truth of what it comes down to?
Some memories, some love...and some time spent together.

Photos by NAE @pomegranatetrail ©1981/2013


blandina said...

The depth of our feelings can be overwhelming, especially when we contemplate loss and grief.
The pain of living and letting go.

Nancy said...

Blandina~ You are so right. After posting this, I got news of another one of my elders in the hospital (broken femur, joining other health concerns).
It can feel overwhelming when so much happens at once. Nice to see you here on the trail :)

Marti said...

From New Mexico, I send you warm thoughts Nancy as you come up for air. Oftentimes, worry and sorrow comes in waves; I've found that letting it out, via words, as you so eloquently and with care do here, or letting out a good, loud yell or just plopping oneself down on a patch of dirt, grass, breathing in, breathing out, helps.

saskia said...

oh Nancy, these feelings, this wanting to connect and connecting without too many words (for they are so often lacking)
It seems to me you're just being together is about as good as it gets, really

Nancy said...

Marti~ Thank you, coming up for air is important. It makes me happy to picture you there in NM. You know my daughter is in Albuquerque, right?!

Saskia~ Wanting to connect and not sure the best way of How to do that, with respect for her (their) needs and my own too. Tricky stuff. Thank you for commenting.

Peggy said...

Nancy, a post from the heart -- good and true and stirring. Yes, you do look so young but I know that smile. xoxo

Deb G said...

Hug for you...I know that feeling, sometimes we just have to curl into our own lives for awhile.

Nancy said...

Peggy~ made me smile that smile! Thank you & hugs right back!

Deb~ Thanks so much, curling up is good.

deemallon said...

Hi Nancy, I know it's probably not much comfort, but the clarity and heart-felt way you describe this passage/moment is really a gift to your readers.

Nancy said...

Dee~ Thank you. You're telling me this is a gift to me :)

Morna Crites-Moore * Wicked Waif said...

"In the end, what affects your life most deeply are things too simple to talk about."
- Nell Blaine

And what Dee said.


Nancy said...

Morna~ Thank you so much. And the quote is so true :)